Up until now you probably never really had to give a lot of thought of what all would go into writing your vows. But now, things may have changed. Do you find yourself struggling to convey the emotional depth of your feelings towards another? Or does the thought of speaking those words out loud make you feel a bit uncomfortable? If you answered yes to either or both of those questions, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be. It actually doesn’t have to be anywhere near as difficult or uncomfortable as you might think it to be!
Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of vows spoken between two people. Some that even had me crying behind the camera! And in my time of hearing vows of all ranges, I’ve put together a few easy tips and reminders for you to lean on while you go about navigating how to write yours. Because really, we are all capable of telling the person we love the most, just how much we do. Here are some tips on how to write vows that sound like you!
1. One of the easiest things to remember when you go about writing your vows, is a to come back to the fact that this is just a conversation. Simple as that. A conversation between you, and the person you love more than anyone or anything in this world. Don’t make it about anything else other than that. You don’t need to write something that’s going to be a crowd pleaser, or that is going to rewrite the books of vow history. You just need to speak to the person you love. Remember; Keep it simple, stupid.
2. Vomit. More specifically, word vomit. Put on some “Cigarettes After Sex” in the background, pour a glass of wine, spark a joint (not both at the same time, or you might actually-actually vomit), get cozy, and just write anything and everything that comes to mind when you think of your person. Just write or type away. It doesn’t even matter if it’s in any chronological order. Just write it. Whatever thought, memory, feeling comes to mind, write it down. The idea here is to just get a bunch of thoughts into word form, so that you can form some ideas and direction based on what you’ve written. Set a timer, and do this for about 5-10 minutes. Once you’ve completed this, start to go over what you wrote down. Maybe while you write, some other things start to come to mind that you didn’t think of. Write those down too! From here you can start trimming off the things that don’t feel significant to what you might want to talk about. After doing that, you can start playing with structure, and deciding what you want to talk about, and in what order!
3. I want you to close your eyes for a moment, and think of one of your favorite conversations you’ve ever had with your partner. One that has always stuck with you. That still makes you smile, laugh, tear up, feel all melty inside. Maybe it was one of the first conversations you had? Maybe it was after you accomplished something you set out to achieve? What was the context? Why did it make you feel what you did? Why is it so special to you? It’s always good to incorporate something personal or special that resonates with you, into your vows. It communicates that you listen. Pay attention to the little things. That what your partner says or does, matters. What do you want them to know?
4. Vows are a promise. They are not a history lesson on your lives together. You do not need to go back and talk about how you met, the first handful of dates, when you decided to move in together, etc etc,. Chances are very very high that your partner already knows a lot of those facts! Instead, touch on one or two significant moments that changed the course of your relationship for you. For example, the moment you realized you were in love with them. Or just to go a little bit deeper, the moment you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them.
5. It’s okay if it’s not all deep, emotional, and poetic. It’s actually okay if none of it is. You can keep it light, funny, entertaining! As long as it is a reflection of the two of you. Remember you’re talking to the same person you start your day next to, and end it with. This isn’t a stranger you are trying to sell yourself to.
6. Talk about the outlines of your vows beforehand! If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know I am a big fan of doing things out of the norm. So grab your partner, hit your favorite bar or pub, order a round, sit down together and discuss what you want your vows to be! Agree on a length of time that is suitable for you both. Are there any topics you don’t want to touch on? Do you want to each speak about a specific moment or experience within your relationship, and don’t want the other one to discuss the same one? What do you want the tone to be? Vow’s don’t need to be this super secret thing that each of you are trying to hide from one another, until its time to reveal them. It can be something fun and less daunting when you go through it together!
7. Paper, not phone. Keep things classy, write them down on a piece of paper that you can have as a keepsake for the future. Don’t be the person who has to bring your phone out at the one part of your day that is the most significant. It never looks great in photos either. Like, ever.
8. Be bold in what you decide to write. Speak from your heart. Try to push aside any fears or worries of how you’re going to sound, and embrace the way you feel. This isn’t the time to give into the fear of what others are going to think of you. Rather, take this opportunity to express everything your person makes you feel, unapologetically. Being vulnerable and true to your emotions is brave. It’s valid, and beautiful. You can do this.
I’ve also included a list of questions and writing topics you can refer to if at any point you get stuck, or feel like you need a little boost in moving things along!
What did you feel the first moment you saw them? What was the scenario?
When did you realize the moment you knew you were in love? Was it a specific moment, or situation that you guys were in?
What does it feel like when you aren’t together? When one or both of you is traveling or absent? What do you miss?
What do you have in your life now, that you didn’t have before meeting your partner? How has your life changed because of them?
Was there an instance or situation that changed the way you saw the other person? Did they ever do or say something that made you change the way you saw yourself?
Where do you see the future taking you both? 10, 20, 30 years from now?
What are you most excited about or looking forward to, when you think of marrying your person? Don’t be afraid to get a little more deeper with this one. Let’s push past surface level examples like “growing old” and “building a home full of love” (Eye roll).
What do you find inspirational about your person?
Why are you marrying this person? What does marrying them mean to you, and how do that translate to what marriage means to you?
As always, don’t hesitate to reach out if you find this blog to be helpful, or have any questions I might be able to help with! Now go, and write the words that flying across your chest after sitting down and reading this! Remember it’s just a conversation.
